Relationship Tip #5: Don’t Kiss Your Friends

It’s sometimes funny how much we can complain about how complicated relationships can be.  This tip is all about keeping things simple:  Don’t kiss your friends.  In order for you to do this you actually have to define what you would do physically with your friends.  Do the two you hang out with other friends?  Spend time together alone?  Go shopping?  Cook dinner for each other?  Hold hands?  Snuggle on the couch?  I don’t kiss my friends, hold hands with them or snuggle with them.  These things, among a whole host of other things, are reserved for one special person.  That’s right, just one.  Therefore, if you see me with a man who is holding my hand and then wraps his arms around me for a long hug and a kiss, this man would be my boyfriend.

How confusing would it be if I did these things with every handsome man with whom I spent my time?  The answer to that is also simple, yet is what makes things complicated:  heartbreak.  If you’re not serious about dating a guy enough to call him your “boyfriend,” the acts of kissing and getting physical with him tell him that you are.  The same goes for him.  If you’re falling for a guy and yet he doesn’t think enough of you to call you his “girlfriend,” why would you want to get your heart even more entangled by kissing him?  Girl, if he’s not in love with you for the woman you are he’s not going to fall in love with you for your kiss.  So, don’t think you’re going to kiss him and win him over (that’s a post for another day).  Plus, if he kisses you and then says you’re just “friends,” you have to wonder how many other “friends” he is kissing when you’re not around.  By the way, the same thing goes for you.

Here’s how it usually goes.  You hang out with a guy, you enjoy spending time with him and you love talking with him.  You look forward to seeing him and spending time with him.  You guys go out a few times, you’re giddy, he sits really close to you, calls and sends frequent text messages and email.  Finally, the two of you stand face-to-face, he pulls you close to embrace you and then kisses you.  A few days later he says, “I told you I just wanted to be friends.”  Unfortunately, every girl I know has been through this exact scenario, including myself.  I’ve also had a handful of guy friends who had been dealt that blow from the girls they were dating.  It’s certainly something that both genders do.

Some of you might say, “What’s the big deal?  It’s only a kiss.”  Okay.  When you’re on your date be up front about it.  As your date leans in to kiss you, be sure to be honest with him in advance by saying, “Your kiss doesn’t mean anything to me,” (yes, that sounds harsh, but how can you tell this truth nicely?).    Then you can watch how that destroys his mood.  That the person you’re kissing means something to you is what makes kissing so great.  Without that connection between you both, your kisses will be disappointing anyway.  So, why bother?

Of course, if you would like to complicate things go right ahead.  It’s called “sending mixed signals.”  Before you do that it would be wise to consider how crappy you feel when someone sends you mixed signals.  You can also allow yourself to fall into the trap of his mixed signals.  If that’s the case, be sure to tell your friends in advance so they can be on standby when your heart breaks.  The other option is, if you’re interested in a guy, get to know him well before you cross the line and kiss him.  You owe it to yourself and your future to get to know a guy really well so you can determine if he’s a guy to whom you can or want to give your heart.  Until you know, keep it simple and hold on to your kiss.


8 thoughts on “Relationship Tip #5: Don’t Kiss Your Friends

  1. good point, and I totally agree with this:
    “be sure to be honest with him in advance by saying, “Your kiss doesn’t mean anything to me,” (yes, that sounds harsh, but how can you tell this truth nicely?). Then you can watch how that destroys his mood. That the person you’re kissing means something to you is what makes kissing so great. Without that connection between you both, your kisses will be disappointing anyway. So, why bother?”

    but of course if you up front and honest with each other, and you still agree that kissing is good, then I wouldn’t mind go ahead and kiss.

    • That most certainly is true. You could both proceed in fulfilling your physical desires, but would you call that a relationship? I’d call that lust.

      • well, the way I understand what you’re saying is the fact that before anything else a boy and a girl should go for coffee and exchange their own life philosophies so there is no miss communication with anything. If they feel comfortable to wait few more dates to see if they can be bf/gf to each other then it’s fine, they will wait for the kiss…
        but if you haven’t talked about it and he approached you and kissed you, well, not with out your physical permission of course, then it seems like to me, he really meant to kiss you, only you didn’t want it but actually did it; so if there was no rule talk before then being kissed person if objects should stop that other person right on the spot; otherwise kiss should be enjoyed;

  2. Wow, simple and to the point. Love this! I’ve often reserved kissing only to receive a strange reaction but I felt the same way as the article points out. Unless I’m sure, why should I?

    • Jeanie, we all need a reminder of this from time to time. The strange reaction to which you refer occurs when a contemporary guy with modern values and morals comes across a girl who values herself. Believe me it’s rare, even unpopular, for a woman to hold her line. Thanks for reading!

  3. The even BIGGER mistake is when a woman sleeps with a guy who doesn’t call her his girlfriend (to her or anyone else). And yet she STILL thinks he is her boyfriend. I have done this. Funny enough, it all started with a kiss! (surprise) Kissing leads to other things, and if you haven’t established what the relationship is and isn’t before kissing, you’d better have a ring of friends there – as you say – on standby.

    • It does just start with a single kiss, doesn’t it? I read that and get a pit in my stomach recalling my own mistakes. I really appreciate you bringing that up. It’s something we should all be mindful of. Thanks for your input.

  4. hmmm…
    If the guys pulls you over and kisses you and then he says he just wants to be friends, that is just playing dirty. And just wanted to use you. (same for women)
    Usually the one that starts the kiss wants something more and the one that is about to accept it must be fair to not think only on himself and pleasure, but on the other person that is more intimly involved here , that will be hurt. So turn away and say I’m really sorry. I agree with you Chrissy, don’t kiss him/her in situation like that because you know you are”lying” to the other person, getting his hopes up and giving him a fake moment and well it is again “playing dirty” and here comes drama. It is harsh to say “your kiss doesn’t mean anything to me” so I like my line better 😉 Although it does sound more theatrical your way. (I get your point, just kidding:))

    On the other hand I am more go with a flow kind of guy. I don’t mind the passion or shorter term affairs as long as both know what they are getting in to. For some situations it is pretty clear what it is about. If it all happens in one day/night or on some short vacation etc. no one really should have much expectation, but of course just talk to the other person at any time if there is something you want to know, or if you would like something more. Not all women look for serious relationship and same is with men.
    If you are texting and having dinners and dates though, then both are giving more longterm signals away.
    One advice about mix-messages that will probably have the most value of anything I have written: Think about how he/she would act if he really would be totaly in love with you. And I’m pretty sure forgot to answer SMS or to call or flaking are not a part of that scenario.

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